Archive for girls

Valentine’s Day; Tips for guys.

Posted in Johnocidal Musings with tags , , , , , , , on February 12, 2009 by Jack

It’s Black History month, so you know what that means; Valentines Day is fast approaching. Matter of fact by the time you read this you’ll only have two days to shop for that gift. Well my fine feathered friend, you’ve come to the right place. 


Coming up with original gift ideas can be hard, luckily I’ve got a set of romantic evenings preplanned for all kinds of different girls.

The cheerleader/daddy’s little girl: Jewelry. Chocolate will throw her off that diet she has stayed on oh so rigourously since that pint of ice cream two hours ago. Disposable gifts do not impress this type of woman, it has to be something she can show off constantly. But you’re going to have to get a dozen flowers anyway to set the anticipation for the 3 months of pay you’re going to put around her neck.

The holistic chick/vegan: Whatever you get her, make sure it’s not a fur coat. Perhaps a coupon printed on eviromentally friendly paper for incense, or a subscription to “hemp digest.” She might also appreciate some red paint for the next PETA rally.

The Jewish Girl: Impress her with your frugality by explaining St. Valentine’s day is a christian holiday.

The Reader: While this girl might appreciate books, unless you have intimate knowledge of what she has and has not read, don’t buy her a book. This is a woman who constantly reads and probably finds herself lost in fantasies of the most romantic type, the cliche of flowers, champagne, and a candlelit dinner would suit well if you’re willing to dress up and put in the effort.

The Conspiracy Theory/Anarchist Chick: This girl might be a vegan, and maybe even a reader, but above all else she hates capitalism. Instead of going out and celebrating Valentine’s day in all it’s soulless materialist splendor, why not Tivo the history channel’s documentary on the St. Valentine’s day massacre? The two of you can curl up in a romantic embrace on your fouton or whatever the hell it is you people have in your apartments.

The Sporty chick/softball player: A jockstrap.

The Slut: A flower you stole from your REAL girlfriend’s bouquet and some sex.

The chick with kids and/or your wife: A babysitter and oral. A foot rub will probably be appreciated as well.

The hiphop girl: Both Chris and Bobby Brown have dated some of the hottest women out there, so they must be doing something right!


Well there they are. I hope this list helped you out this black history month. If you couldn’t find your type of girl on the list leave a comment and I’ll try to find something for ya.

As salaam alaykum